Maybe I’m clinically depressed?

For the past 11 years, I have been harming myself in different forms.

At first, I would bang myself to the wall when I’m sad because I didn’t know how to manage the emotions. Then I started to punch myself, bite myself, pull out my hair. It reached to the point where I started to cut myself but I stopped after some time because I was caught. Then I turned to smoking. Though it didn’t last long since I live in a dormitory full of health-conscious people.

In all honesty, I am terrible at managing my emotions..,

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Still in the dark

I just need a place to vent these feelings right now.

I don’t know when this started but I started to have this social anxiety; no it is not severe enough that I actually lock myself inside my room or house. It’s just mild enough that I stop myself from socializing with others. :O

Also, I don’t know if I’m reading too much into this but I am so fucking sensitive to rejection. Hmph.

There are these friends who are going to an outing this weekend. I decided to take some initiative to ask them if I wanted to join but then I felt that I wasn’t wanted to, in good grace, I backed out.

Even now, it still hurts. That kind of dull pain in your chest and when you want to cry until you fall asleep? That kind of pain.

I know my place in the social hierarchy of my school; but I thought that these people were “friendly” people but I guess I was mistaken.

NO matter how many times I tell myself that I will stop from getting close to other people because it will just hurt, I still do and what did I get from not following my own advice? HURT, that was what I got.

I hate feeling lonely; for me being lonely means that despite being surrounded by a crowd, no one ACTUALLY SEES me. It’s just too disheartening.