Real Life

A toast to new beginnings

A very cliche title but fitting to my situation. I have graduated from my undergraduate program six months ago and it has been six months since I started law school. My decision to take up Juris Doctor was a long one. I was planning on either an MA in Psychology or Medical School but I chose Law because it’s more affordable than med school. I am pushing back my MA studies until I graduate the JD program.
I may not have yet the right to give advices since I have not finished my first year. Therefore, this post is dedicated to the problems I encountered.
1. Financial juggling – The tuition fee and books eat up the budget. I am thankful that I am living with my parents again since my rent money is channeled to school payments and heavy hardbound books.
2. Time management – Adjusting my body clock was a struggle. Here, the classes are in the evening which means I need to change my study habits from night time to day time. It’s kind of a problem because my “zone” moments are in the evening.
3. Relatives – Since I have been away for some time, they seem excited to see me and have long and winded conversations. I am happy to see them too but I’d rather read the commentaries or cases than chatter.
4. Friends – Same with relatives. The friends I made at law school are great because they are low maintenance but there are high school friends that need pampering and it just saps the energy out of me.
5. Savings – Becuase right now, I have none. I quit my part time jobs in favor of studying. So, my spending money is limited right now. However, I plan to work by next year when I have fully adjusted with my new school environment.
Despite the ups and more number of downs, my life right now is interesting. I met a lot of great people and that’s good. Since this is he last day of Christmas vacation, it’s time to rev up the study time and serious mode.

Senior Year College would be fun, they said

For the past two semesters of college, I was in a roller coaster. It sounds cliche but it was really like this. Sometimes, I would think about giving up because the problems that I was facing were overwhelming. It didn’t even sink in that we were already in our semester break. It felt surreal that we didn’t have any school work to do. When the second semester rolled in, it didn’t sink in that this was already the final battle whether we can graduate this June.

 

Emotional Dump Post

I really need to get this off my chest, or point in case, my mind.

I love going home, I really do but sometimes in a dysfunctional family, this desire gets dampened. Sometimes, I prefer staying away from my house but that’s not exactly possible. Anyhow, whenever I say jokingly to my friends to tell my family I love them, I honestly want to believe that I really do.

It’s just so hard to love the people who cast you away. For several years, I have been crying my self to sleep because of the emotional pain that I receive. Sometimes I have wished that I won’t wake up the following day. It hurts a lot; it was worse when I was younger because I really have chest pains which were sometimes, unbearable but I just sleep on it.

It hurts so much.

I don’t know what else to say.

Sometimes I wish that I would rather have physical wounds because at least I can see them heal but with my emotional wounds, it hasn’t even closed up. There are days when it suddenly opens and I can’t stop crying.

You might be wondering if I have friends in my real life. Yes I do but I don’t want to talk to them about any of this because I don’t think that they’ll understand.

Most of the time, I even wonder why I still have my sanity. Why do I cling on to my life? I don’t know.

At some point, I almost died in a hit-and-run incident.

I almost drowned.

I got into a vehicular accident but I survived.

I don’t know.

I always tell myself that this is just a phase but… I don’t think that it is.

Hanging out with Friends

Friendships are indeed one of this planet’s double-edged sword. It can either make or break an individual. In my case, I have been through some betrayals and hurt that no amount of time could heal. At the same time, I have met people who are worth staying with until my skin wrinkles and all my hair turn white.

Today, it was somewhat a spontaneous get-together. We crashed at a friend’s place since there was a kitchen we could use to cook and ate dinner together. Talked about random shit and watched a movie. We could not stay long because we have to go to school early tomorrow.

Regardless, it was a time well spent.

I just wanted to post this out and tell people that it might take time to truly find people but those who stay with you even if you have terrible mood swings and badmouth each other like bullies, they are for keeps.

Maybe I’m clinically depressed?

For the past 11 years, I have been harming myself in different forms.

At first, I would bang myself to the wall when I’m sad because I didn’t know how to manage the emotions. Then I started to punch myself, bite myself, pull out my hair. It reached to the point where I started to cut myself but I stopped after some time because I was caught. Then I turned to smoking. Though it didn’t last long since I live in a dormitory full of health-conscious people.

In all honesty, I am terrible at managing my emotions..,

Still in the dark

I just need a place to vent these feelings right now.

I don’t know when this started but I started to have this social anxiety; no it is not severe enough that I actually lock myself inside my room or house. It’s just mild enough that I stop myself from socializing with others. :O

Also, I don’t know if I’m reading too much into this but I am so fucking sensitive to rejection. Hmph.

There are these friends who are going to an outing this weekend. I decided to take some initiative to ask them if I wanted to join but then I felt that I wasn’t wanted to, in good grace, I backed out.

Even now, it still hurts. That kind of dull pain in your chest and when you want to cry until you fall asleep? That kind of pain.

I know my place in the social hierarchy of my school; but I thought that these people were “friendly” people but I guess I was mistaken.

NO matter how many times I tell myself that I will stop from getting close to other people because it will just hurt, I still do and what did I get from not following my own advice? HURT, that was what I got.

I hate feeling lonely; for me being lonely means that despite being surrounded by a crowd, no one ACTUALLY SEES me. It’s just too disheartening.